The Loneliness I Choose/ The Art of Traveling Without Ambition

(old piece)

I am finally convinced, after years of fighting it, that loneliness is part of our human experience. The people I like the best are the ones who can't, won't dim the discomfort of questions and doubt. I am never sure if I am my best, happiest self when living my life on my own terms. All I know is that I do not know how else to live it. Along the way I have learned that the adjective brave is awarded freely, even to actions that are steps away from cowardice. I think of my leaving home, I think of my time in graduate school, I think of moving and I know that there is more privilege and necessity in these periods than there is brave.

Popping In, Hey Hey You

My wonderfully apt shower curtain

It's been a while hasn't it? I'd count the days except they would turn into months and I'd tell you all the things that changed except it would become a book. The best parts? I moved into my own apartment, I have my own room AND a spare room, I have grown up furniture. My recliner now has a companion love seat and I have a dresser. The dresser is gorgeous, it has a mirror that brings the room together. I enjoy having a room of my own in an apartment of my own and it has felt both natural and decadent, a little whisper of how marvelously selfish of you? The feeling of waking up and wandering into the living room and using the coffee maker to make myself a cup of average coffee (my skills are still sub par), of eating a meal at the table, so simple and yet so significant.

Day Multiple

It's been a few days since I posted last. Which isn't to say I've forgotten to be grateful -- I am grateful. Works goes on, I've been meeting friends (and still calling myself grumpy cats), the apartment search continues. I am getting better at taking notes using my stylus and reducing the amount of paper in my life. Work is a little bit more balanced (grateful for the good people hired :)). I met friends from my fellowship today (I meet them often, this was just a subset I spent a lot of time with) -- it was such fun, time flew by and I remembered why I enjoyed it -- I enjoy easy company with friends, it is when we run out of conversation and silence that when it gets harder. My days have a happy little ribbon tied to them, conversations that I look forward to. That's all folks :)

Day 8, 9 and more?

Obviously it's been busy and I've not really been posting (in other news I've also not been on Facebook and that has been good for me). My apartment hunt goes on and it is taxing, but that's always true. The weather has been absolutely lovely and for that I am thankful. I am trying to learn how to take notes with a stylus. I listen to some interesting podcasts every day. Basically I try and I am grateful for the trying.

Day 6 and 7

It has been busy, busy enough that there was little time to write and post this. But today is Saturday night, I have had one of the best naps of my life and I am wide awake in a way I never am in the week. I am a little bored and not in the mood to work. To be honest, I am not in the mood for computer screens either. I've been apartment hunting and that was the only thing I left the house for today.

Day 5, calmly chaotic

Today started early. Early mornings are tricky for me but I made it to work. We were out for a site visit and when I returned to work, my very nice colleague had gone to the new gym that opened close to us and got me a free yoga mat as instructed (I don't need it, I just wanted some free swag). I had a chance to attend an event about equitable funding, take the Metra, and meet a friend who I am very fond of. It was a day full of a lot of different things but even though the sum of it felt chaotic, I did not let it get to me. I have the fleeting thought that I'm forgetting to worry about something, that I shouldn't be as calm as I feel. But that will pass. I'm absorbing every single details of the Poirot series on Netflix. I am grateful today for how rich my life is in the different kinds of experiences I have, places I go to and people I meet. I am also glad I am occasionally able to remember how meaningful each individual piece even if the sum is overwhelming.

Day 4, rested and thoughtful

Despite my usual waking up to work emails routine, I caught a quick second nap and woke up rested. Take a second with that, I woke up rested. It doesn't happen. My whole work day had no meetings and I got a lot done, while not on constant alert. Being constantly hyperaware is exhausting and I've only recently started to notice how unconsciously tense I am. It was a calmer day, it was a good day. I made some progress with hiring for the team I am building and it reminds me that I am doing something here. Days like this, I don't mind the long hours. Towards the end, I was chatting with colleagues and it was convivial, a pleasant in-between moment between leaving work and being back home/outside. I'm out in the field tomorrow and that will be interesting -- I think the key to this week has been the number of unexpected and new experiences. They keep me curious. I think day 4 was full of more aware gratitude :)