This has been one of my longer pauses. The days and weeks have been full.
Full of travel and laughter, full of worry and fear (illness in the family). I returned from a trip last evening and was reminded that I can never assume peace on public transit. This man insisted on talking to me, asking questions, saying the most absurd things, forcing this number on me and I am a mixture of rage and sadness and suchlike. Stuff like this is what makes public space so gendered, it makes it so hard to truly relax. I am also truly done with anyone who might ask me to "get over it". I am too old for other people to tell me how I should feel and as I grow older, there are certain things I don't have patience for. It did open up the box of memories of all the Chicago misogynistic things - bitch smile, why can't you tell me your name, you're too pretty to not be married and more.
I did quip with a friend that I'll probably wear a fancy ring so I "look married" and adopt a public transit persona that involves a "conservative husband, three children and vaginal childbirth". I make light of it but these things are exhausting. The sum of these is absolutely exhausting, it feels like sinking. I do need to learn how to drive and I am going to make that happen once things are a little more sorted.
I do have some lovely interactions in the city as well and I cherish those. Another day, I will write about those. On another note, UberX at the airport is an absolute scam - it was 24 minutes waiting which became no available ubers in 30 seconds. I had my first negative experience with Southwest yesterday, and good businesspeople of SW, you have lost a loyal customer. It was expensive to book a last minute flight on another airline and I am fairly broke right now. I had little-to-no caffeine this weekend and that is the only possible explanation for how relatively mellow I was. I think I was going through some serious withdrawal symptoms.
I was so zoned out (de-caffeinated?) yesterday that in the flight I took out my ipod, hit play on Drops of Jupiters, all without plugging in the earphones. The dude (and this was a dude-looking dude) burst out laughing and I was like, yeah, that happens to me sometimes.
I don't really have words for the sadness around the illness. It is complicated and I am conflicted and this is messy and adulthood. This is not about me, so I try and keep my messy emotions to myself as much as I can, but it still spills out.
There is a lot of happiness and laughter as well, I like how my days are punctuated by affection (in some ways they always have been, and now they are ever more so). I'm finding that adulthood involves a focus on the essential, in a way that a lot of the peripheral stuff falls by the wayside. I don't think of it as a good or bad thing, it is what it is. I've (re)found a lot of heartwarming poetry this month and I find myself silently saying the lines occasionally. There is one that is so beautiful, it is heartbreaking and so lovely, I keep getting lost in it almost everyday.
I'm reading a lot of comic strip based books - right now it is Nancy. I almost don't have enough focus for a novel and while that is sad in one way, it opens the doors on other kinds of words.
Alright, that is a long enough ramble. Till another day.
Full of travel and laughter, full of worry and fear (illness in the family). I returned from a trip last evening and was reminded that I can never assume peace on public transit. This man insisted on talking to me, asking questions, saying the most absurd things, forcing this number on me and I am a mixture of rage and sadness and suchlike. Stuff like this is what makes public space so gendered, it makes it so hard to truly relax. I am also truly done with anyone who might ask me to "get over it". I am too old for other people to tell me how I should feel and as I grow older, there are certain things I don't have patience for. It did open up the box of memories of all the Chicago misogynistic things - bitch smile, why can't you tell me your name, you're too pretty to not be married and more.
I did quip with a friend that I'll probably wear a fancy ring so I "look married" and adopt a public transit persona that involves a "conservative husband, three children and vaginal childbirth". I make light of it but these things are exhausting. The sum of these is absolutely exhausting, it feels like sinking. I do need to learn how to drive and I am going to make that happen once things are a little more sorted.
I do have some lovely interactions in the city as well and I cherish those. Another day, I will write about those. On another note, UberX at the airport is an absolute scam - it was 24 minutes waiting which became no available ubers in 30 seconds. I had my first negative experience with Southwest yesterday, and good businesspeople of SW, you have lost a loyal customer. It was expensive to book a last minute flight on another airline and I am fairly broke right now. I had little-to-no caffeine this weekend and that is the only possible explanation for how relatively mellow I was. I think I was going through some serious withdrawal symptoms.
I was so zoned out (de-caffeinated?) yesterday that in the flight I took out my ipod, hit play on Drops of Jupiters, all without plugging in the earphones. The dude (and this was a dude-looking dude) burst out laughing and I was like, yeah, that happens to me sometimes.
I don't really have words for the sadness around the illness. It is complicated and I am conflicted and this is messy and adulthood. This is not about me, so I try and keep my messy emotions to myself as much as I can, but it still spills out.
There is a lot of happiness and laughter as well, I like how my days are punctuated by affection (in some ways they always have been, and now they are ever more so). I'm finding that adulthood involves a focus on the essential, in a way that a lot of the peripheral stuff falls by the wayside. I don't think of it as a good or bad thing, it is what it is. I've (re)found a lot of heartwarming poetry this month and I find myself silently saying the lines occasionally. There is one that is so beautiful, it is heartbreaking and so lovely, I keep getting lost in it almost everyday.
I'm reading a lot of comic strip based books - right now it is Nancy. I almost don't have enough focus for a novel and while that is sad in one way, it opens the doors on other kinds of words.
Alright, that is a long enough ramble. Till another day.
1 comment:
Can understand & empathize with all that u r going thru. God bless u.
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