'At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a
fairy tale and the other in the abyss’
P Coelho
(not a fan of the author, but this line stands out for me)
I have learned that if I experience a specific feeling, a
certain emotion, enough number of times (there is a magic number here but I
have forgotten to keep count), that I start seeing a pattern, an ebb and flow.
It does make it just a little bit easier and a little bit
more bearable. Some of it comes from the known devil versus the unknown devil.
Knowing that a slow and powerful wave of panic waits for me around the corner
is somehow helpful. I am learning that there are seasons of abundance (of
everything: work, laughter, love, friends, travel, things) and seasons of
fallow (it is quiet, the phone never rings, all the evenings belong to me,
plans never make it into words, forget reality, doubts that corrode) – I am
still no good at calm though. I used to be a great resister: I would try and
fight my way through anything and everything. I have learned to stop and be as
still as I can possibly be, to be aware of what is happening. I am learning to
not try and deal with and fix and solve everything in that moment. I have less
of a fight in me and for me that is not a bad thing.
This has been a strange first quarter: so full and so full
of questions. I am great at pushing, pushing and pushing some more. I was
missing the day they taught the lesson that you can only move your own world,
that Herculean attempts can still fail. This will be a long week and I will
test my limits of affection and patience with myself. In some ways, until I can
get through to myself, perhaps nothing and no one else can. This is why conversations
seem unlikely this week – I’ll meet the world on the surface because this is
not for sharing. I am trying (and failing, let’s be honest) to be present, to
just be here, here and now, here and now, my favorite words. I know myself so
well and yet I know myself so little. I’m sure I will arrive into some version
of personhood where all of these things exist in some sort of a truce. I also
know that it is unlikely to be this week or month.
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