Taming the Chaos

I was born disorganized. At the end of my undergraduate degree, my mom did a massive clean-up in which she found hundreds of to-so lists that I had developed. I had lists to track other lists. I had lists on small chits of paper, on giant pages, on everything possible.

The lists represent my tiny attempt to take back the giant chaos of my life. By nature, I am not prone to order. At any given point in time, you will find strewn on the floor of my room clothes and books, makeup and snacks and occasionally the dirty dish. This sounds like any clean-a-holic’s nightmare and it is. Which is why I believe that the universe cut me a huge break when I met my current flat/house mate. She is even less inclined to order than I am. Every few weeks, when we are overwhelmed by a giant wave of guilt, we will scrub the stove and take out trash and Febreze every corner of our house. But it is not always. It never lasts.

I want to say I am not a hoarder but I am not so sure anymore. I find that I have multiples of everything but never when I need them. I forget things I own. I have a pantry full of food. I have way more than I need and I knew this when my move from Minneapolis to Chicago involved six boxes, four suitcases and an assortment of bags over two trips. That is too much for a person who moved to the country just two years before.

To be fair, I do use a lot of stuff. I like to switch things around. I am always on the move, I don’t drive and I often tend to go through a range of things in a day: I get cold easily and then I get hot. I get hungry a hundred times, I get thirsty, I need snacks. I tend to run errands that don’t start from home and need bags but don’t always have lists. But I have more than I need and I have more than is good for me. I have an attachment to things that at some point I would like to start cutting. It makes life complicated and it makes cleaning a pain. I know I am messy but I am not great with owning it. I have a strong feeling of guilt about it, as if it reflects some sort of character flaw, some laziness. I can be a procrastinator and lazy but I also get a lot of things done, so I know this is not at the crux of whatever is going on here. I can also never truly relax at spaces that are not my ‘home spaces’ because I know my natural messiness disturbs the order.

But I have hope. Every day, little by little, I am thinking into existence how I will tame the chaos (or die trying).