Loss

One of my all time favorite poems is One Art by Elizabeth Bishop. Every time I read it, the words just pull me in a little bit more. How could they not?

"The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.


Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master."

I think about these lines a lot, especially in the past year or so. A lot has been lost and most of it never really belonged to me. When I am feeling particularly self-indulgent, I tell myself, what have I not lost? I have lost a parent who I never really felt I had. Now in my early thirties I feel that I have lost my youthfulness, whatever that ephemeral term meant. I have also lost my metabolism and that is a pretty concrete concept. 

This

This is one of the toughest times in the life I have lived so far, especially as an adult responsible for myself.

Fraud Indian Woman

So I dug through the archives and found this. I wrote this but never shared it? I think it was probably because of it doesn't seem to make a clear point, just ask questions. But I still find it a useful compass, even if it is two years later. 

At this stage in my life, I find I have no choice but to talk about gender or being a woman. I am not going to get into how I am at this point or stage in my life but I find that I have to speak. There are so many levels on which I am tired of seeing how the world works against women. In this I include both men and women. It is not a one way street. As I moved to Minneapolis, I found myself navigating expectations of how I should be both as an 'Indian' and 'Indian woman'. I am not the first nor the last person to do this. I am just talking about my experiences, which for the longest time I have held back from sharing because I wasn't sure if there was anything new in it. That being said, not being new doesn't make it any less important. I have also often wondered how is it that people reach a point of incredible frustration and disappointment with stereotypes and expectations. I get it now. It is the timeless story of the last straw breaking the camel's back. You reach a point where you cannot take it one more time.

Millionth Move (Is Hopefully The Charm)

I have moved yet again. I am asking the universe to let this be the last move for a while. Everything aches, mainly because I am so out of shape and climbing the stairs a couple of times with boxes has undone all my muscles.

Hello, hello

Hello again tiredness. I have been expecting you. Who wouldn't? I moved from a city to another one, from one home to another in the same city in one week. I am still not done moving. I have talked so much in the past few days, trying to explain my life in two minutes sound bytes to everyone I met. I now realize I didn't need to do that. Sometimes waiting for the questions is a good idea. In the middle of a work day, I am hit by a wave of exhaustion that almost has me sitting on the floor and weeping. Everything feels like jelly. Even a trip to the grocery store for dinner is impossible. Thank goodness for a box of peanuts.

The Blues

One of my Chicago resolutions is to find and watch plays and shows and other kinds of performances. I've heard about the Blue Man Group show for several years and I saw billboards in Chicago. Tickets are kind of pricey but I was able to get an almost half-price ticket from Goldstar for a day show. Going for a day show is important and you'll see why in a segue later in this piece. So the show. The show is very entertaining. It starts with advice to text your bff, update your status, read wikis and more.

Middle of the night

It is the beginning of the week but I am at the end of a long day (and my tether?). It is 1 am and I have just finished the 11th time I did a video for a Fellowship application, that at this moment, I am convinced I will not get. Needless to say, the sound of my own voice annoys me to no end, I think my face is uneven (!), the background was crumpled, you can catch my eyes when they look down at my notes, the tripod that I own for no real reason and lugged all around the world, broke the one time I could have used it. Several of the videos have me cussing loudly after I screw up a line or a word (note to self: remember to delete)

Whether this is the voice of exhaustion, rationality or just good ol' impostor syndrome doing its bit, I do not know, and frankly at 1 am, it is hard to separate things or care. I am surprised and overwhelmed and deluged by the sheer effort this semester is taking, not because too much is going in the now and here, but because as much, if not more is going on in the FUTURE. You know, the future that is around the corner, where new lives, directions, and winter-choices will be made (Minnesota, so much snow in November does not make things look good for you). The haste at which I am being swept along in this semester makes complete sense if I realize that I am living two lives, one right now and one in the future. 

Being yourself

I have been thinking about what does it mean to be authentic (and reading as well). Not original, not unique, just authentic. I like the word authentic, it conveys weight and meaning to me. But honestly. I have stopped asking myself if I am authentic. At some level, I think many of us are plagued by the impostor syndrome. Especially as women. Some of the best people I know, I doubt they take themselves too seriously. They are very aware of how much they have left to learn, to do and this is despite being accomplished in so many ways (and good human beings as well).  I doubt if I remind myself to 'be more authentic', I'd achieve it.

Avatar ahoy!

Meet S. My grad school avatar. I have always had an interest in (not necessarily skills in) cartooning and I think this is a good and more productive way to deal with some of the realities of being in grad school. I am looking for help in learning how to sketch better, ideas for an occasional comic strip and suchlike. If you have suggestions or ideas, let me know. Have a great weekend! (You need to click on read more)

Why talk about gender?

One of the aspects I felt was most neglected in terms of preparing teams for fieldwork was addressing issues of gender, race and more. These are topics that make the best of us uncomfortable and I think it often seems that a classroom setting isn't the best to have an honest conversation. My definition of what an honest conversation is a moving, evolving one but in recent times I think of it as one where we are okay speaking about the 'bad thoughts' that we have. The idea should be to generate constructive counterpoints and of course, there needs to be a base in a desire to change. I guess I see little point in saying "I dislike so and so because they are such and such and I will believe this till I die."

Leaving and arriving

This one is about 'feelings' so you are warned in advance! Specifically about home and homesickness. I wrote this a while back and while I am right now in Vietnam, it still holds true!

There is nothing new or unique about the loss and longing associated with leaving home. It has existed since forever and has been captured in beautiful words and images by authors and artists alike. Some of my favorite books are those about the experiences of those who left or were immigrants (one that just popped into my head was The Prayer Room). If you are reading this, you perhaps already know that I left (a suburb of) Delhi to move to Minneapolis to study last year. It wasn't the first time I was traveling, it wasn't the first time I was going to the States but it was the first time I was going to live away from home and in the Midwest. I think I was as prepared as I could be but it was still a hard, tough first semester in so many ways. I have spent the months after thinking about it, wondering what I could have done to make it better for myself and can I make it better for someone else. I have tried to decode how much of my experience was because of who I am, in terms of character traits, being an international student, being brown (:)) and my gender and how much of it just a rite of passage that any move will always involve. It interests me tremendously and is one of my favorite topics to talk (ad nauseam).