What's Your Pandemic Personality and Other Stupid Questions

When acrylics are not an option,
Static Nails to the rescue

One of the worst takes so far (far below the take that people who work for places like Instacart and Amazon are making a freewill choice) is that we must use the Pandemic to self-improve, and come out on the other end better and more accomplished people. This is a bad take. For many, many reasons. For starters, it's a pandemic and not a vacation. It's stressful. It's traumatic. We have to stay at home, it's not a choice we are making (of course there is give and take on this depending on where you live). Our "best selves", whatever that may be, isn't going to emerge just because we suddenly have free time. A lot of us actually don't have free time -- think of the people working + raising and schooling kids + being caregivers and more. Some folks are trapped in abusive, dangerous situations. Our support 
There are obviously some of us who can make choices, which make the situation less worse. One of the first choice or realization should be to ask yourself: are you able to work from home safely and stay employed? That in itself is more than most of the world; although it may seem like this is the dominant way of working, it is not. I think it's okay to whine occasionally as long as we don't lose that perspective. Sure, it sucks to be inside when it's a nice day outside. But it's absolutely nothing compared to having to go outside because you have zero choice. Unemployment is not a choice most people make willingly. Nobody should have to remind others of that but apparently we do.



I have found that after reminding myself of both my luck and privilege, it becomes easier to switch to seeing minor irritations for what they are -- minor, insignificant irritations. If you have made it this far, perhaps you are interested in seeing my list of little pleasures (and just to absolutely clear, I would happily trade all of these to not be in a pandemic world):

1. The ability to sleep and wake up at my natural wake up time. I am not a morning person. In fact, I am a better person when I wake up at 8 am. That is not an option on a regular workday. I am enjoying it for now.

2. Actually utilizing my whole wardrobe of workout clothes. And, and, and actually using them to workout! Not every single day but a lot of the days. Not always cardio but often. 

3. Doing laundry regularly (okay, okay, once a day). Apparently there are no 'coin collectors', whoever those people are. So the quarters keep showing up and laundry is basically free. I launder everything, I dislike the idea of soiled clothes or linen. Anything that can be washed must be washed.

4. Starting to reduce my grasping/hoarding mind. I definitely had a period of this in March, and I finally seem to be moving away from it. I have enough. There are a lot of reasons for having scarcity mindset but I think it's time to start letting go of it a little.

4. Talking to people I haven't spoken to in a decade, half a decade, or even few years. Zoom/videos can be exhausting of course, but it has been nice to catch up with folks. We may not be as close as we once were but our lives intersected and may still intersect in the future and it's just a nice feeling.

One overall theme (not unexpected at all) is that people's lives have taken expected trajectories, and mine has not -- depending on which decade you use as a baseline. At 25 I did not imagine that, at 33 it's a choice I've made. But I still find myself trying to explain my life as a series of choices versus things that happened to me (partnered but housed separately, child/less/free etc, my work which is.. not a traditional path but really not that unusual either). I am not sure why I offer the explanations without anyone asking: guilt? certainty that people have those questions running in their minds? Who knows. What I do know is that I have not really encountered (visible to me ha) judgment, rather kindness. I think this is a result of two things: my wise choice of friends (:)), and the overall maturity that comes in your thirties -- people see both the ups and downs of their choices and realize there are more choices out there.

On that note, back to puttering around the house before it's wine-o-clock ha.

Cats-atrophe

So..we saw Cats. By we I mean friends from grad school in the Twin Cities, and me from the comfort of my recliner. We would have had to shell out 20 bucks each but luckily it became available for rental for six bucks. That was too much as well but ok.

What.A.Mess. 

Seriously, what a goddamn mess. The weird acting, the random fur and whiskers, the occasional disturbing disrobing. Rebel Wilson singing into her own tail. Judi Dench looking like she is at the end of her life. Idris Elba, that man needs a better agent. You know how there are things that are such a train wreck that they become funny. Not this movie.

The funnest part of this (after the wine) was going to reddit for the reviews. Gems include:

"This movie was not released. It escaped."

"I was never a cats person. After this movie, I am not sure I am a movies person."

"After watching this movie, I became an atheist. No loving god would allow this to exist."

It's still unclear to us if the butthole cut is real or not, the production house is refusing to confirm or deny it. I would sign the petition to take Tom Hooper's Oscar back. It's going to be hard to unsee parts of it. I can't recommend this movie at all. Don't watch it. Save your time and your eyes.

Divert Your Mind

With these interesting links:

Some Good News with John Krasinski (from The Office, in case you have lived under a rock forever ha)

Zoom Exhaustion is Real

This free app with lots of workouts for your distracted mind (aka less than 20 minutes)

Online Pictionary if you are so inclined

On a more serious note, why consumerism persists, even during a pandemic

I'm not the most interesting person at the best of times, so that doesn't change a lot during a pandemic. But I do receive a solid batch of memes and funny videos every single day, so those may be the complete content of my next post.

May you live in interesting times...

Some generous soul left laundry
 quarters at all the machines

is fabled to be a curse and one can see how. Times right now are certainly...interesting, although I think that's a poor choice of adjective, given that calamitous and destructive are more applicable to the majority of the world. It's an odd helplessness, when inaction is supposed to help. I've reduced my consumption of news even more; what do I do with the endlessly rising numbers? Instead I finish the entire season 4 of Kim's Convenience in 2 nights, and I recommend it highly to you. But of course you won't watch it -- we all have these shows friends and colleagues recommend to us as must-watch. We file them in some neglected corner, sticking to what we know and enjoy. Occasionally our preference and the recommendation overlap, and it's a happy Venn diagram for a while.

Results of my accident stockpiling

On Friday I video-chatted with dear friends from grad school. I don't think anyone has vocabulary for what is going on, and so we also use humor to cope. Of course Saturday morning I woke up at the early hour of 7:30 am (it's all subjective) and could not fall asleep again. During the day I did face masks, hair masks, nail masks. I took the trash out, did laundry, cooked chicken, organized the spice racks, finished a (lighthearted) book, ironed clothes and more. All of it felt futile and the name for the feeling fell into place then: it's futility coupled with lack of an adequate purpose. As someone in the best possible situation currently, the inaction feels inadequate and irresponsible. It isn't as far as social distancing and staying at home is concerned. My grocery trips, while a piece in staying sane during this, will be reduced. What is a helpful distraction for me is likely certain illness for someone else, and wildly impossible. I am also deeply influenced by the Lori memes and am here for them! You gotta love the folder! Also the city and state level leadership is very heartening to watch, especially in a time where folks are doubling down to demonstrate federal incompetence.

Day...Whatever

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? 
~Mary Oliver, Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches

It's been a minute (or maybe fifty, who knows). I haven't been too stir crazy on the weekdays, there is still work, enough to be done to keep the day busy. There are phone calls and video calls and all sorts of things that give the day a purpose. But the weekend felt a bit claustrophobic, especially because the weather was gloomy with gale-like winds. But even as I whine, I still know and count all my agnostic blessings regularly. There are a lot of them.

One interesting thing I am learning about myself is that the structures which are harder for me to put in place during regular days are easier now. Not because any of it is fun but because I know that it's a slippery slope when you let that first sink-full of dishes pile up. So I've been diligent about trash and wiping things down and running the vacuum cleaner. It's not productive per se, but it's movement and action. 

In the Great Hoard of 2020, the one thing I did not stock up on are quarter rolls. This is no small thing. If the only way you can do laundry is by painstakingly inserting quarters into an unpredictable machine, you do not want to find yourself without quarters. Or close to having none. Of course, as with all things that went scarce in the Great Hoard of 2020, so did quarters. They are now being rationed. I have general anxiety about a bunch of things but I have not stopped talking about quarters for a while now. I finally have three rolls now, yay local Mariano's, but I don't think I will ever be able to stop hoarding them. Or worrying about them. I do A LOT of laundry, and I think it's partly because it's the thing that feels most in control. Things are falling apart but I have clean linen. The world has been acting a fool about toilet paper and I would just like a realistic prediction about when they will be back on the shelves. And no, September of this year is not an acceptable answer. There will be books upon books upon case studies upon interview questions about the Great American TP Shortage of 2020. History is being written, and the villains are revealing themselves (people who bought 17000 sanitizer bottles, video game companies that tried to declare themselves essential services, organizations preparing to absorb the stimulus checks their employees receive). We see you.

Weird Times

I mean, I continue to make occasional jokes but they feel more subdued for now. This isn't ending anytime soon, and the global governmental incompetence, while hardly surprising is rather sobering. I feel like there is an analogy in this piece. The intensity of work varies, which I expect. Everyone's calibrating to this new reality. It's dissonant, how a pandemic is raging outside her homes while inside maintains a steady illusion of normalcy. To be honest, I've drastically reduced my consumption of COVID news. Every article is an escalation, another (necessary and inevitable) boundary being drawn. I may not know the specifics of which borders are shut down, but I know most of them are. I do not want to see videos of people who believe their faith will protect them from the virus. 

The beginnings of stir crazy are here, and it makes sense. I haven't worked from home in five years, and while my working muscle hasn't deteriorated, structuring my day outside of it to use energy has (if it was ever present). I'm not the only one. 

It does feel a little bit like there isn't much to say. What can one say, there is a pandemic raging out there, and we are not prepared for it. It's pretty leveling, no country, rich or poor, is spared. Nor are people. Some of how I feel is pretty fatalistic and I think that is culturally ingrained and resurfaces at a time like this  - it doesn't mean I don't follow all the things I must. My writing muscle has definitely withered, I haven't written formally or informally for so long. I've read some thought-provoking pieces about how to stay tethered and to an extent, not waste these days (in ways you don't want, if your wasting is intentional and serves you, go for it).

Work From Home and Quarantined at Home

Note: there is humor in this, some of it is dark. I cope with humor but in no way am I trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation.

Prior to Day 1

Can't get eggs, potatoes or chicken for love or for money. We keep saying the shortages are artificial, but I can see that when the history books are written, the hoarders will probably have a section to themselves. On the other hand the guy that bought 17,000 hand sanitizers and had his face put in a newspaper, is likely to be the villain no one needed.

Day 1

It started at 8:30 and it felt like I worked more than I usually do at work ha! But it was a productive day, despite some audio hiccups. My WFH setup needs some redecorating but that's going to take a minute. My hypothesis is that week 1 is going to feel oddly intense because this is not business as usual in my world. Week 2 will be a lot more indicative. I can't see how this will end in 2 weeks. Flattening the curve is apparently at least an 8 week effort. Also my PMP exam got cancelled, so I have one less thing to worry about.

Did some grocery shopping at Patel's, which amazingly has a dedicated Coronavirus page. Apparently they are the victims of some false messaging on Whatsapp (?!). Trying to start a #whatsappandwine club. I am also feeling rather chatty because being at work fulfills the need to be social and suddenly it's not there. ]

Food habits have taken a hit the last few weeks, so used the evening to make some bharta in the Instant Pot. I love the Pot but it's become a lot more prone to beeping the Burn sign. Not cool Pot, not cool at all.

What will be key is the routine I develop and stick to. The absence of a routine and the presence of wfh is not a combination for a successful quarantine.

Day 2

Just as I was about to get on a call, electricity for the whole building went off. I definitely panicked, it felt apocalyptic. I went to the dank basement where our breakers live, and honestly it's like something from a scary movie I would never watch. It's so dark I bumped into a person also fixing his breaker, and screamed. So my brain was on high alert and panicked. I messaged way too many people, and asked for the go-ahead to go to work. I got it, and just as I was headed out the door, the electricity came back on. I have trust issues with most utility companies but if this is where our relationship is headed Comed, I am here for it.

I'm working on something I've never worked on before and it's complicated and I am learning a lot. I'm also feeling a little stupid, and am forgiving myself, because 1. I am learning as I go, and 2. There is no training. None. Ctc has been kind, and given me lessons and whatnot. But the covid response plan has taken over life for now. And I and most people I know are in the most privileged of life situations right now - wfh is not an option for everyone, getting paid in this time is not happening for everyone, being able to front expensive basic item purchases isn't to be taken lightly. Having a safe comfortable home. All of these are not small blessings (in their agnostic form).

It was a intense day, and at 6 pm I had to take an emergency nap (it's one of those where I just can't help falling asleep because of how stressed my body feels). My fight or flight response has been super activated since yesterday. 

On a lighter note, I've started watching Endeavour and it's pretty engrossing. With that, I'm heading back to tending to the Pot.