It's been a while and so I am not going to try and catch you up on all that has happened (mainly a long trip home). I have been back for about five days and I've realized that while I am physically back, mentally I'm still floating somewhere in-between.
It isn't that my heart or mind is back in India, not at all after this trip. But I am in a little bit of a fugue, which is understandable given the 3.5 weeks of complete upheaval (and believe me when I say, life at my house is constant chaos and upheaval).Travel-wise, this was one of the smoother trips I have had. I even paid for guaranteed aisle seats on the way back, that is how petrified I was of a middle seat and having a flare-up of the random nerve pain I am getting these days. I hydrated and sedated in equal measure. The trip was what it was, I did get to spend a few hours with my nieces building a track and trying to figure out a spirograph. I also met up in-person with some of my virtual friends and that always makes me happy. I didn't shop as much, I just didn't feel like it. Returning to work was a bit of an anti-climax and the blame was totally mine: I was very effective in monitoring emails and getting work done while on 'vacation', so much so that there was no crisis to firefight.
I've been in automatic self-care mode since I returned, home is the antithesis of that very idea. It's almost unconscious, I am soothing myself unaware I need soothing. I did have a rather unpleasant situation at the nail salon I go to since we have a language barrier and something in their head-shaking and my realization that I want a place which allows for mental rest as well means it is unlikely I will return soon.
I am both excited and dreading the work week: I am not fully prepared for it but in some ways I feel the week is waiting for me. I fell a little sick and slept for 16 hours this weekend and am glad for the rest but also a little sad about the time I slept away. The thing I am thinking about the most is how grateful I am for the even keel of my days but also how distant joy seems. I can go through all the motions right now, even with gratitude but nothing can take that awareness away. I haven't had the energy to return to my workout routine completely but that is the plan from tomorrow. I need the endorphins, the energy and the distraction.
None of this is particularly life-changing or important but it is my life for now.
It isn't that my heart or mind is back in India, not at all after this trip. But I am in a little bit of a fugue, which is understandable given the 3.5 weeks of complete upheaval (and believe me when I say, life at my house is constant chaos and upheaval).Travel-wise, this was one of the smoother trips I have had. I even paid for guaranteed aisle seats on the way back, that is how petrified I was of a middle seat and having a flare-up of the random nerve pain I am getting these days. I hydrated and sedated in equal measure. The trip was what it was, I did get to spend a few hours with my nieces building a track and trying to figure out a spirograph. I also met up in-person with some of my virtual friends and that always makes me happy. I didn't shop as much, I just didn't feel like it. Returning to work was a bit of an anti-climax and the blame was totally mine: I was very effective in monitoring emails and getting work done while on 'vacation', so much so that there was no crisis to firefight.
I've been in automatic self-care mode since I returned, home is the antithesis of that very idea. It's almost unconscious, I am soothing myself unaware I need soothing. I did have a rather unpleasant situation at the nail salon I go to since we have a language barrier and something in their head-shaking and my realization that I want a place which allows for mental rest as well means it is unlikely I will return soon.
I am both excited and dreading the work week: I am not fully prepared for it but in some ways I feel the week is waiting for me. I fell a little sick and slept for 16 hours this weekend and am glad for the rest but also a little sad about the time I slept away. The thing I am thinking about the most is how grateful I am for the even keel of my days but also how distant joy seems. I can go through all the motions right now, even with gratitude but nothing can take that awareness away. I haven't had the energy to return to my workout routine completely but that is the plan from tomorrow. I need the endorphins, the energy and the distraction.
None of this is particularly life-changing or important but it is my life for now.
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