Life After Shelter At Home: So Many Questions

Art for my heart

Return to normal is starting, and I am fascinated. Fascinated being the word of choice but I really can't think of another, better one. How we will all navigate this: including those who believe we will return to our old normal, and those who believe we will never return to our old normal. Chicago is starting to open up, as is the entire state. I am grateful for state and local leaders who act like leaders, and who believe in science. Healthcare experts inform the decisions, and that matters tremendously. I am not downplaying the economic impact, and there are recovery models out there that posit that some people will choose to take health risks because of the economic implications of not doing so. It is not something to be scoffed at, the recession that is coming could be catastrophic. Since I can sit and do my work at home, I don't think I have too much of a right to judge folks who may not have options. I won't lie, I am frustrated by people who have options but still choose to risk the lives of others.


What do you do when someone in close contact with you won't wear a mask? When it's a family member or a loved one? When it's someone you encounter during the course of your daily work? It's hard to have that conversation. It's harder to have that conversation when wearing a mask is seen as an infringement of personal liberties. That is not a discussion happening in countries in Asia or other parts of the world, where individual liberties are not valued in the same way (not that that is without it's problems). I don't particularly enjoy wearing a mask, and nor do the people I know. But it's really not about that.

My newsfeed yesterday led me to an article about people who are part of m i l i t i a, preparing, nay looking forward to armed confrontation. If you are interested look up Hawaiian shirts and other keywords. I can't bring myself to link to any of it, it can't lead to anything good. On one hand, knowing feels like being prepared for...something. But knowledge of this kind is also paralyzing. Take a look at this article, which lays out in detail how the current administration is looking to stop and decimate visa and immigration pathways. After I read this, I felt like I couldn't breathe for a while, despite being aware of this risk for years at this point. I try and make peace with the uncertainty, nay the specific targeting of the programs regularly. There is not much I can do as individual, and to be anxious about something so beyond my control robs me of precious days and happiness. I can't decide whether knowing helps me in this case or not. Let's look at the worst case scenario: I (we) have to pack up and start all over again somewhere. Is there really a way to prepare for that stress and worry? In my mid-thirties I feel the loss of today to worry about tomorrow a lot more keenly. A sense of mortality, completely contrary to the sense of invincibility in twenties, has started to grip me more and more. Things end, people die, and somehow life keeps moving even as people's worlds collapse. I'm a beacon of cheerfulness, I know.

There is also the (inevitable?) feeling of confronting not only one's mortality, but also one's mediocrity. Is this it? Have I peaked? Is my future path predetermined at this point, and all the choices I make, while feeling freewill, are actually from a narrowed set of options. I value productivity and constantly challenging myself, and slowing down and acceptance of what is. They feel contradictory but I am not sure that they are, or rather that they have to be. I am also aware of not being as hungry and driven as I used to be in my twenties. Of course, a lot of that was driven by pure insecurity and anxiety, and hardly healthy. But I still want to regain some of that motivation, and to be fair to myself, I have been able to in the last two months. The time I have saved on commuting, I have been able to put towards exercising (the sole aim right now is consistency, the rest can come later); cooking for myself (I believe that pretty much anything I make at home is healthier than takeout or delivery options available to me); and finally learning/studying. I wanted to take the project management exam, which is an extraordinarily tedious process: both the preparation, and the actual exam -- think four hours, one ten minute break, no water in the exam space etc. It's a test of mental and physical endurance, and I am not sure who the physical endurance piece serves.

Another Day, Another Dollar (Kinda Sorta)

It's hard to believe it's been two months at this point, since we have been stay-at-home. Blursday is on it's way to becoming a formal word but I think for those of us lucky enough to work safely from home, the days are a giant lump of togetherness. I feel pretty fine for a person who hasn't seen anyone (except Instacart shoppers) for over a month and half. It helps that a. I am used to communicating with my partner over phone regularly (cause consultant traveling); and b. I feel fairly fulfilled by my online social life. 

One of my favorite things is a Saturday game morning (which for others is a Saturday game night, given their time zones). It distracts me enough to drink a smoothie with enough healthy ingredients to make up for the various deficiencies I might be developing. We also had a mini grad school reunion, and it's hard to believe we are five years away from that time.