I'm home. I am not sure if I am home but you know what I mean. I am typing this on a scrunched up tablet keyboard. I chose to not get my laptop this time, a wise decision for my travel. It was one of the smoothest trips I have had, if only for my obsessive planning. Nasal spray, face mist, fleece booties, pouches for EVERYTHING.
I arrived, unpacked and slept. A wise decision considering there was a night of dance 'reheasal'. I was glad to be in the happy mood I was and danced the entire night. I love it when I enjoy dancing. I think it has a lot to do with not giving a flying fuck about how I look to others.
Random aside: arrivedat immigration and it was a shitshow. Thousands of people, half the counters not open. It took 1.5 hours to get through. I just..
I've been tired and grumpy today (something about home brings out the arguer in me - perhaps the awareness that it is the only way to make sure my voice is heard?). I don't know. I dislike the room I am in, it boxes me in. I can't sleep now and this isn't jet lag, it is the result of a six hour day nap. I have the TV on but nothing I like is on. Even so, it is like white noise for me. Everytime I come, I feel I have grown even further apart. I also know everything that is going on. I never did and never will have any patience with the little diabolical dramas that seem to play out in colonies and families. They tire me and they bore me. I am surprisingly a little bored. I am not sure where that is coming from? Perhaps it is partially a result of knowing that there is more travel coming up. I can't really relax into what I know isn't permanent. So, life.
I think some of the trouble is that I have very strong and clear memories of my past discontentments and unhappiness and they come rushing back in a wave and I, too, swell up with rage. I become the anger I see around me, I am full of a deep fury at everything. But it is exhausting. I need quiet time. In general I love my quiet time. At times like these, when I am doing a catchy soundbite of my life for multiple people a day, I need it even more.
I am not going to say I am misunderstood. I will say though I don't think I have found my people here and so I feel my loneliness is more, well, potent. I have felt weepy today, which is so unusual. In an effort to counter the weepy, I think I brought the rage card out.
If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it doesn't make any sense to me either. This stuff is so grounded in emotion and so far away from the logic I like to apply to life, that there is no sensemaking in sight for a while.
I have sarees and no blouses. I am excited but honestly a little frightened of the inevitable boredom of wedding functions, especially with a phone without internet. I could choose to not tell you that but it would not make it any less true. The TV is playing the same ads as from six months ago. Also a bunch of vaguely menacing, vaguely pre-pubescent white male magicians are all I have seen on Comedy Central for thirty minutes and I would like to throw a jar at them.
This has been a long enough ramble and it must end (I am also losing patience with the tiny keyboard). Till later.
I arrived, unpacked and slept. A wise decision considering there was a night of dance 'reheasal'. I was glad to be in the happy mood I was and danced the entire night. I love it when I enjoy dancing. I think it has a lot to do with not giving a flying fuck about how I look to others.
Random aside: arrivedat immigration and it was a shitshow. Thousands of people, half the counters not open. It took 1.5 hours to get through. I just..
I've been tired and grumpy today (something about home brings out the arguer in me - perhaps the awareness that it is the only way to make sure my voice is heard?). I don't know. I dislike the room I am in, it boxes me in. I can't sleep now and this isn't jet lag, it is the result of a six hour day nap. I have the TV on but nothing I like is on. Even so, it is like white noise for me. Everytime I come, I feel I have grown even further apart. I also know everything that is going on. I never did and never will have any patience with the little diabolical dramas that seem to play out in colonies and families. They tire me and they bore me. I am surprisingly a little bored. I am not sure where that is coming from? Perhaps it is partially a result of knowing that there is more travel coming up. I can't really relax into what I know isn't permanent. So, life.
I think some of the trouble is that I have very strong and clear memories of my past discontentments and unhappiness and they come rushing back in a wave and I, too, swell up with rage. I become the anger I see around me, I am full of a deep fury at everything. But it is exhausting. I need quiet time. In general I love my quiet time. At times like these, when I am doing a catchy soundbite of my life for multiple people a day, I need it even more.
I am not going to say I am misunderstood. I will say though I don't think I have found my people here and so I feel my loneliness is more, well, potent. I have felt weepy today, which is so unusual. In an effort to counter the weepy, I think I brought the rage card out.
If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, it doesn't make any sense to me either. This stuff is so grounded in emotion and so far away from the logic I like to apply to life, that there is no sensemaking in sight for a while.
I have sarees and no blouses. I am excited but honestly a little frightened of the inevitable boredom of wedding functions, especially with a phone without internet. I could choose to not tell you that but it would not make it any less true. The TV is playing the same ads as from six months ago. Also a bunch of vaguely menacing, vaguely pre-pubescent white male magicians are all I have seen on Comedy Central for thirty minutes and I would like to throw a jar at them.
This has been a long enough ramble and it must end (I am also losing patience with the tiny keyboard). Till later.
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