This

This is one of the toughest times in the life I have lived so far, especially as an adult responsible for myself.

I am not trying to tempt the universe to make it any worse although it seems to have risen to the challenge unasked. I am sure I will be better off someday for all of this, that in some way this wretchedness is making me better and stronger. But I am really tired. I am kind of stuck and I cannot be there for my family in the way I want to be right now -- cancer, treatments, hospitals, operations, tubes, all of these really harsh realities happen while I am not there. But I have long-term things at stake, which also matter for me and my family. Work (not the actual doing of it) has been in limbo and I am at a stage where I don't know if I will or not have this position a month from now. I find myself being anxious and making mistakes and in general the occasional poor judgment call that I then cannot stop beating myself about I have almost given up on it now. I do not have the luxury or energy that active hoping needs. Plus I am reverting to my old philosophy that if you can make yourself not care, then it does not hurt when it does not happen. Or at least hurts less. I aim to want less and less till whatever is around me is sufficient.

Hope-wise and health-wise, I have struggled and fallen and gotten up. But it is cyclical and even knowing that doesn't take away the exhaustion of it. Personally. Well personally there is nothing new or surprising -- essentially nothing that happens surprises me even though it might sadden me for a few days. The things that happen are the things I know will happen and yet I like to pretend otherwise for a while to fool myself because it makes life easier to live. Vulnerability will lead to hurt but vulnerability also leads to living. I am not sure this is the choice I want to make.

I have been pushed into this pause-movement mode for the last six months or so and it is starting to wear me down -- even the slightest things make me so anxious I can't see out of the sides of my eyes (and I am trivializing, there is some major life shit) and I feel like I am burning up. I find I have spurts of intense emotions, even occasional anger, but in the end I just want to get into bed. Go away life, I am not at home for this fight right now.

In a ridiculous and irrational way, I feel like I'm being punished for something and I am not quite sure for what or even if I deserve it. There is an immense amount of good stuff and blessings in my life, including friends who keep checking up on me -- something I have almost never had. My aloneness is less lonely now. But I am really, really tired and I wish I could lean somewhere or step off the spinning world for a few days.