Trying something new/Days of gratitude

I want to say it has been a strange year but to be honest, it has been just like the others. Mundane with a few exciting moments, lonely with a few friendly faces, a constant thrum of self-deception with the occasional moment of brutal honesty.

Still if I pause and think about it, I am 30 years old. I am very different from who I imagined I would be but I also make the same mistake (or versions of it) very often. In conversation with a friend recently, I did that thing where you say the worst thing you think about yourself to see if your friend believes it -- my friend did. I am a judgmental bitch. It is what it is, but it made me a trifle sad and got me thinking about some of my habits, which are just remains of a different time in life. 

I am trying this thing, where I am going to pause and take a minute or few to be thankful for something. I may not feel happy, it may not excite me, but I know that every single day, there are people and things and parts of my life I am thankful for. One of my weaknesses is in making the space to see them -- instead I see the invisible, the shape of what is not. Here's day 1 and 2 together, just because.

Day 1 (Sunday): Listless Gratitude

this is what I call food.

I am still recovering from one too many on a Friday evening, which was fun but sobering (simply because it was the opposite of that). I've gone apartment hunting on Saturday and I can barely bring myself to wake up on Sunday. Let me phrase that: I can't bring myself to feel anything happy and so I don't want to get out of bed. But somehow I manage to do that, take a shower which makes me feel better and walk out for some coffee. It takes me two hours before I can make myself go buy groceries (I did not want to, but I told myself, take an unhappy walk if that is what it takes). So I took the unhappy walk and while I did not feel particularly happy during or after, it wasn't impossible. Plus I got some food. I didn't cheer up or wake up until 9 pm, which is normal for a Sunday but counter-productive to waking up rested on a Monday. I was most thankful for my bed: it is comfortable and soft. The weather was warm and the breeze from the fan felt just right, which for me are far and few moments, so I want to savor them. 

Day 2 (Monday): Just Here Gratitude

wore this.

I woke up wanting to sleep all day or at the very least, keep laying in bed. This is normal, I expect it. I lingered in bed for a while, answered work emails, which helps me feel productive (and if you want to know if these are time-sensitive, yes they are. They are all related to morning staff/resource intense work). On Mondays, I dress up well. I have the most time in the morning on this day. Today, I even wore black pumps, a new pair in a brand I find very comfortable and which of course is nowhere to be found online (except this one random retailer on Amazon). I get my coffee, I listed to a technology podcast (This Week in Technology), I troubleshoot on the bus and train and I get to work. I don't feel rested and so I pour lots of iced tea into myself, in an effort to jumpstart the engine. 9 times out of 10, it works. Today it didn't. But I have learned to do what I can, when I can't do everything/feel overwhelmed. I am working with a short-staffed team and while I have the excitement of hiring my own folks, the strain is perceptible. I want to skip going for a Zumba class and make my way home but I have decided I will not let that happen. I will go unhappily, grumpily to my class, think of it as medicine, but go I must. Today, I am here. Mostly. Doing what I can. 

Here's to hoping I keep it up? Points for trying??