I have been thinking about what does it mean to be authentic (and reading as well). Not original, not unique, just authentic. I like the word authentic, it conveys weight and meaning to me. But honestly. I have stopped asking myself if I am authentic. At some level, I think many of us are plagued by the impostor syndrome. Especially as women. Some of the best people I know, I doubt they take themselves too seriously. They are very aware of how much they have left to learn, to do and this is despite being accomplished in so many ways (and good human beings as well). I doubt if I remind myself to 'be more authentic', I'd achieve it.
But I have started doing a few things or become comfortable with a few things that I find allow me to find less contradiction between my words and actions. I used to find that contradiction almost as sapping as I found disliking myself. When I was younger, I was a bundle of awkwardness. It didn't help that a lot of formative, school years didn't exactly involve positive reinforcement from peers (I was nerdy, gawky, nervous, unpopular and you catch my drift). I am sharing these here because I'd like to know from other people as well. As well as to keep learning and evolving along the way.
I am okay being disliked. This is a HUGE one for me. There was a time when the fear of being disliked could silence me. But slowly and steadily (with great help from grad school experiences), I have come to the conclusion that not everyone will like me and that is fine. This doesn't mean I have freedom to be mean and nasty. It just means it is unreal that everyone likes you (and if they do, either you are exceptional or something is wrong with you. Maybe both :)).
I try and make time for the things I want to do. I want to be very, very cognizant of the fact that this moment, this slice of life, will never come back. I am in the process of giving up on playing the busy game. It is a bad game and it is a game of shame. All of us are busy and prioritizing is key to life. I try and make time for people I want to meet and things I want to do. I am finding the balance between saying no to things I absolutely can't for the sake of my sanity and seeing saying 'I am too busy for this' as failure. It is a work in progress.
I try and follow up my criticism with action. I am a vocal, outspoken critic of several things and processes I believe could be better - seeing what could be fixed comes easily to me and sometimes I wish I could turn this part of my brain off more. I am also on a bunch of committees and stuff and am always trying to translate my words to action. If you catch me not doing so, feel free to rebuke me.
I am okay standing alone, being rebuffed, being awkward in social situations now. I am also equally okay smiling and making friends and trying to reach out. I am slowly starting to realize that most people carry around a little bit of awkwardness with them (and social awkwardness is a theme I will dwell on more another day). I am also developing a sense for people who for the lack of a better word are 'schmoozers' or perhaps on their way up on some sort of ladder where I don't belong, who will chat with me and discard the conversation the moment they realize I am not important enough/lack 'value' or social capital and there is not much to be gained from me. I now firmly believe the loss is theirs, not mine :). It has taken years to not feel the sting of such blatant rejection (and perhaps it is a defense mechanism, who knows?)
I would much rather make one friend than swap many business cards. I am hardly alone in that but I am giving up on regrets of connections not made, opportunities not capitalized on completely. No one is going to give me a job based on any quick spiel (I am more like a fine wine, it takes time to appreciate my many talents ;)) and I want to stop beating myself up for it.
Meaningful conversations (and they could be range from why I like certain earrings to gender roles in India - they don't have to be intellectual-sounding, just engaging) make me happy. That doesn't mean I can't cocktail talk. It does mean my repertoire is a little limited and I talk about the weather a lot. A LOT.
I would love to hear from you: what are some of the things that you do that just make you happier and are more in tune with your wavelength than the one the world wants you to be on?
But I have started doing a few things or become comfortable with a few things that I find allow me to find less contradiction between my words and actions. I used to find that contradiction almost as sapping as I found disliking myself. When I was younger, I was a bundle of awkwardness. It didn't help that a lot of formative, school years didn't exactly involve positive reinforcement from peers (I was nerdy, gawky, nervous, unpopular and you catch my drift). I am sharing these here because I'd like to know from other people as well. As well as to keep learning and evolving along the way.
I am okay being disliked. This is a HUGE one for me. There was a time when the fear of being disliked could silence me. But slowly and steadily (with great help from grad school experiences), I have come to the conclusion that not everyone will like me and that is fine. This doesn't mean I have freedom to be mean and nasty. It just means it is unreal that everyone likes you (and if they do, either you are exceptional or something is wrong with you. Maybe both :)).
I try and make time for the things I want to do. I want to be very, very cognizant of the fact that this moment, this slice of life, will never come back. I am in the process of giving up on playing the busy game. It is a bad game and it is a game of shame. All of us are busy and prioritizing is key to life. I try and make time for people I want to meet and things I want to do. I am finding the balance between saying no to things I absolutely can't for the sake of my sanity and seeing saying 'I am too busy for this' as failure. It is a work in progress.
I try and follow up my criticism with action. I am a vocal, outspoken critic of several things and processes I believe could be better - seeing what could be fixed comes easily to me and sometimes I wish I could turn this part of my brain off more. I am also on a bunch of committees and stuff and am always trying to translate my words to action. If you catch me not doing so, feel free to rebuke me.
I am okay standing alone, being rebuffed, being awkward in social situations now. I am also equally okay smiling and making friends and trying to reach out. I am slowly starting to realize that most people carry around a little bit of awkwardness with them (and social awkwardness is a theme I will dwell on more another day). I am also developing a sense for people who for the lack of a better word are 'schmoozers' or perhaps on their way up on some sort of ladder where I don't belong, who will chat with me and discard the conversation the moment they realize I am not important enough/lack 'value' or social capital and there is not much to be gained from me. I now firmly believe the loss is theirs, not mine :). It has taken years to not feel the sting of such blatant rejection (and perhaps it is a defense mechanism, who knows?)
I would much rather make one friend than swap many business cards. I am hardly alone in that but I am giving up on regrets of connections not made, opportunities not capitalized on completely. No one is going to give me a job based on any quick spiel (I am more like a fine wine, it takes time to appreciate my many talents ;)) and I want to stop beating myself up for it.
Meaningful conversations (and they could be range from why I like certain earrings to gender roles in India - they don't have to be intellectual-sounding, just engaging) make me happy. That doesn't mean I can't cocktail talk. It does mean my repertoire is a little limited and I talk about the weather a lot. A LOT.
I would love to hear from you: what are some of the things that you do that just make you happier and are more in tune with your wavelength than the one the world wants you to be on?
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