And just like that, the party is over

Most of my cohort

Today was our graduation ceremony. I have degrees from before but I have never participated in one of these shindigs with gowns and caps and more. Parts of me were warring: one part did not want to attend the ceremony, was grumpy at the expensive gown and the time involved and nervous about walking on stage and suchlike. But the other part wanted to go and experience this final touch on two years of my life. It felt like an apt, if surreal, ending to this part of my life. The one where I moved cities, countries and continents and started a new life and it was a risk that I had to take.

At the graduation party with
the graduation caps

Some parts of my life came together and others fell apart and I suppose that is life. It was a bittersweet day, rather the entire week. Lots of graduation celebrations and parties throughout the week - I didn't make it to very many. Even though once I am actually at the place/bar/wherever, I have fun and good conversations, years of hesitation make it hard for me to actually get there. One of the things I didn't realize would hurt so much was the question - is anyone from your family there? I have been joking that I have been borrowing family members from anyone who has some to spare, but the truth is, I felt alone in the sea of families at the graduation ceremony and it would have been nice to have mine. I know they were there in spirit and are proud of me. I am grateful for some amazing friends I've made during my time here, who are my extended family. When I complained childishly on Facebook about how the question of if my family was here was making me sad, a friend very graciously invited me to her home and put my name on a graduation celebration cake. The picture with mini graduation caps is at her house. The drive to and back was calming, the sun playing peekaboo, the skies clear and blue, the mood light. Clearing out my desk at work did not make me very sad, even though the prospect of the rejections before I figure out what next is daunting. I have been anxious about arriving at this point since the day I decided to do the degree and in some ways that anxiety has only build up and bottled itself. But I have had so many people offer to look out for me, that I know even though I jokingly call myself 'Wednesday's child full of woe', there's a watchful star over that woe.

Waiting to go to the auditorium (fav
dressing room comment: this is
so bougie (bourgeoisie)) 

A mentor of mine, who is very dear to me, asked me to think about what I learned during my time here, including the good things and mistakes (and there are so, so many in all parts of my life, so much I could and should have done better) and that thought has been in my head for a while. I know for all the things I think didn't go well, I've had an incredible two years and I have grown a lot, especially personally. I don't feel like I belonged in grad school. I have never felt like I belong anywhere and in some ways that unbelonging is the doing and undoing of me. It makes me who I am but it also casts me adrift. But I do know that I was loved and cherished in grad school by people closest to me. I know that when things seem to fall apart, I had friends to help me pick up the pieces. I know I have worried about becoming more superficial but I have had conversations that have made me stop and think and that have given me hope when I felt like the struggle was too much for me. I have stood on breezy moonlit terraces, watching city lights sparkle, and spoken with some of the kindest people I will ever meet. I know that I need to (to paraphrase Aldous Huxley) tread lightly. Two years, multiple classes and exams and paper, travel to Vietnam and back, three jobs, numerous failures and disappointments and spoken and unpoken rejections, isolation and awkwardness, carrying odds and ends of furniture and life to make a warm and safe space, finding myself somewhere in all of this, seeing how cherished I am, the sunny days, the flowers, the ambling walks, so many gracious gestures of kindness from people, thoughtful gifts of time and words, birthdays and festivals and sparklers and colors. I am reminded of this quote that has been popping up all over my social media recently:

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."
~Henry David Thoreau

Let the rest of my life begin.