Unbelonging

I think there is a moment in which you realize that you carry your unbelonging with yourself. It is a neat little suitcase that is invisible, and travels with you wherever you go. 

It is a subtle, almost subversive feeling, because it is often silent until it knows that you have been lulled into some sort of a calm. I used to think unbelonging was a place, I now feel it is a destiny. I google furiously for the meaning, definition, poetic description of unbelonging. Usually Google is fantastic. It leads me to all sorts of sentences and words and heartbreaking beautiful spaces and I savor them for a while. It is almost like a balm but the wound is perpetual and the balm only temporary. I wonder if it ever goes away. They say it gets better and it has gotten better but it has also gotten worse because everything is much more intense now. Everything shines more, every disappointment is a little more final, every life path not chosen is a life that you have lost and can never have again. The universe is your friend but perhaps you are your own foe. I never know what I want; I only know what I don’t want and that has kept me adrift for 28 long years of my life. So tonight I say, cheers to the unbelonging, the only permanence in my life.